I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize