You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
