you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize