You smell like a Billy Joel song
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
