it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize