So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
