You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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