If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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