i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
