The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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