Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize