turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
