I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize