You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
