Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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