I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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