I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
