So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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