i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
