you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
