ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
