I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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