Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
