So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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