she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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