I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize