i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
