sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
