I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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