she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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