burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
