Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
