she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
