drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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