Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
