Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
