I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
