If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
