It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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