the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
