i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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