I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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