my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
whose parrot is this?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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