There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
