Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
