Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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