I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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