The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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