Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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