life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
