When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
