I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize