I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
