i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
