This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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