He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
