You can't motorboat a personality
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
is wine microwaveable?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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