half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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