I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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