he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you traded sex for a burrito?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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