Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
