Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
and she was petting her beer can
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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