I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
