i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
